e all love Jack Chick. When it comes to paranoid religious conspiracy cartoons, Chick is THE MAN. No one does hardcore right wing born again fundamentalist insanity like he does. You probably know Jack from those little cartoon pamphlets you find in public restrooms, bus depots, and any other place where transients and vagrants are likely to make monumental spiritual decisions. I believe that Jack started out as a southern California phenomenon but his fame has spread worldwide, and Iīve found his work everywhere from subway stations in Germany to hotel lobbies in the Philippines. If you havenīt met Jack yet, hereīs the lowdown: He publishes little cartoon books about how youīre going to hell. According to Jack, most people are going to hell. Pretty much every major religion eventually gets the Chick treatment, but Jackīs not above playing favorites. Youīll note that Islam, Buddhism, and Judaism get short shrift, so that Jack can devote more time to his favorite target: The Catholic Church.
Thatīs why I love Chick. As a nominal Catholic, I like anything that makes my cult look gooder than yours. Most people just remember us Catholics as a bunch of witch-burning pedophiles, but Jack Chick makes Catholicism look like the most bad ass religion ever. I once had a roommate who said that, if youīre going to join a religion, you ought to join one that has a cool conspiracy attached to it. Those are words to live by, in my opinion. By that logic itīs best to be Jewish, Catholic, Mormon, or Scientologist. Letīs look at each of these options.
The Jewish Conspiracy - This is an old favorite with nutcases. As conspiracies go, itīs pretty dull. In short, all Jews everywhere are united for the sole purpose of taking your money. Oh, they also run Madison Avenue, Washington, and Hollywood. And the world bank, too. My girlfriend is Jewish, so youīd think sheīd let me in on a piece of that world bank action. But nooooo. Anyway, for a paranoid loony Jack doesnīt discuss this conspiracy all that much. His only known anti-Jewish pamphlet - Whereīs Rabbi Waxman? - is nothing more than a conversation between a sickly rabbi and that snotty little kid that sits in the back of the class. Of course, the comic ends with the Rabbi dying and going to hell because ALL Chick pamphlets end that way. I love the way old Jack paints God as an arbitrary bastard who forces humanity into playing religious roulette when the odds are stacked against them.
The Mormon Conspiracy - The Mormon conspiracy is slightly more exciting than the Jewish one, since its goal is world domination rather than just swiping your ATM Pin. But it loses points because, once the Mormons have achieved world domination, all thatīs going to be different is that weīll all wear sweaters and sit around in gardens petting tigers. Thatīs just lame. Iīm not sure why right wingers hate the Mormons so much; it might have something to do with the fact that they arenīt allowed to drink coffee. Right wingers NEVER trust people who donīt drink coffee. Jackīs only got one anti-Mormon pamphlet to my knowledge - - and itīs almost as boring as Whereīs Rabbi Waxman?. Two Mormon missionaries attempt to convert some lady but are foiled by her nutzoid Christian friend. She ends up planting the seeds of doubt in one of the misionariesīminds, causing the other one to report him to (dum dum DUM!!!) The Elders. Spoooky! If, by spooky, you mean "Unbelievably retarded."
The Catholic Conspiracy - Now THIS is a conspiracy. The Pope will push a button and every Catholic, everywhere in the world, will suddenly go into HYPNO-ZOMBIE mode, rise up against the rightfully elected leaders of the world, and install a malevolent world-wide Papal autocracy. Oh, plus, the Vatican has trained assassin priests who will kill anyone who says anything against the church. See, thatīs the way to run a religion. Assassin priests rule! Jackīs got more anti-Catholic pamphlets than you can shake a stick at, but my favorite one is Death Cookie wherein he explains the evils of communion. I just like that title; it sounds like a punk rock band. "Woo hoo! Wyld Stallions is opening for Death Cookie! Woo!" Catholics generally end up getting shoved off a cliff by an angel into a lake of fire. Pretty standard, really. All I know is that Dory's gonna wish she let me in on that World Bank thing when I go all brain-eating Vatican HYPNO-ZOMBIE on her ass.
The Scientology Conspiracy Sadly, Jack Chick hasnīt tackled this issue yet, which is odd considering that itīs the only conspiracy that actually exists (But you didnīt hear that from me). Visit Operation Clam Bake for all your Scientology needs! But donīt let the Thetans get you! Oooo! Okay, so Jack really dropped the ball on this one, but he makes up for it by making up not one but two more wacko conspiracies! Of course, Iīm talking about:
The Gay Conspiracy - Not really a religion but an old favorite of Jackīs, the gay conspiracy is another example of how not to run a world domination campaign. The entire plot revolves around recruiting new members. Nothing much seems to happen after that. Jackīs got a number of anti-gay pamphlets, which, surprisingly, rarely end with the protagonists being thrown into a lake of fire. They just always end with them dying of Aids. Same thing happens to the anti-premarital straight sex pamphlets, too, although occasionally theyīre allowed to just die of syphillus.
The Satanic Conspiracy - According the Jack, all these other conspiracies are mere puppets of the granddaddy of all conspiracies, the satanic conspiracy. Adherents to the satanic Conspiracy can be recognized by their tendency to say "#$%&%!!!" and "Haw Haw!" Apparently, Nelson Muntz is a card-carrying member. The greatest accomplishments of this conspiracy are that it made Halloween popular and it created the TV series "Bewitched." Losers.
For more information I recommend that you peruse the Jack T. Chick Parody Archive. This is, hands down, the funniest site on the entire internet. Its also noteworthy that the webmaster actually tangled with the great nutball himself. Also, check out our very own Tunnel Visions. Fun for the whole family!
Mr. Bones Says: "I am not called Diehard for nothing!"
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"Jack Chick" and all names and images therewith associated are the sole intellectual property of one Jack Chick. I did not draw these pictures nor did I take these photos nor would I ever dream of taking credit for them. All words credited to Jack Chick are, in fact, the words of Jack Chick. Do not threaten to sue me. Images and words copyright to Jack Chick are used for the sole purpose of critique and commentary on Jack Chick and his website (www.chick.com) and thus are totally legal under fair use. This is not a parody. Itīs more like a news report. Thatīs it. Stop reeeeading...NOW!