Blood and Wormwood

Dramatis Personae

ere it is, folks, the ever growing cast of "Pogo Stick: A Telephone Improv." Actually, I swiped these cast descriptions verbatim from Adam Prosser, the ringmaster of Pogo and the author of the always hilarious Night Shift, without his permission. but I'm going to claim a Fair Use defense as stipulated in the Uniform Commercial Code of...stuff. So there. Oh, and just in case you're wondering who's responsible for this mess, let me nonchalantly point you here.

Floyd (or "Ffloyd", or "Flloyd", depending on who you ask) is an innocent doofus who just wanted a chance to try out his new Pogo Stick. But events conspired against him. Now he's at the center of a power struggle whose depths can hardly be fathomed. And it involves Pogo Sticks for some reason. Floyd owns "Floyd's Olde Timee Pogo Ranch", which the villains are intent on seizing...(First appeared: Panel 1.)

Sneery Backlash bears no resemblance to any other fictional character, living or dead. Move it along. (First appeared : Panel 3.)

The Bimbo doesn't have a name yet. For that matter, we don't really know whose side she's on, or what she wants, or where she came from. But the story needed a bimbo, dammit. (First appeared: Panel 5.)

Phineas Floyd McFarnsworth first claimed to be Floyd's great-grandpappy. Apparently he's not, however, which means he's probably under an assumed name. He's a mysterious midget with the ability to teleport and levitate. And he can adopt whatever accent is suited to the situation. (First appeared: Panel 7.)

Duke Lazlo Pogofinger is the shadowy grandmaster behind the scenes of an international Pogo Trafficking Ring. He has an unsatiable appetite for Pogo-related properties; little else is known about him. (First appeared: Panel 19 or 20, take your pick.)

Dick Van Patton is...actually I don't know. I think he was on some 70s TV show. Go ask Caleb, it was his idea. Anyway, he's also the Ultimate Weapon for destruction. (First appeared: Panel 21)

Gabby is Floyd's faithful retainer and Pogo Corralmaster. And now he's in love...awwwww. (First appeared: Panel 23.)

The Pogo Avenger. I just have no idea. (First appeared: Panel 24.)

The Little Green Guys. They're little,, that one's pretty much self-explanatory. (First appeared: Panel 24.)

The Man With A Pogo Stick Up His Nose and Buttocks. Just for something completely different. (First appeared: Panel 33.)

The Mini-Pattons are comprised of the debris of the large Van Patton. I mean, duh. (First appeared: Panel 40.)

Mama Cass. It's getting really hard to come up with explanations for this &*$%. (First appeared: Panel 45.)

Patrick Swayze is the star of such films as Dirty Dancing and Road House. His appearance in Pogo Stick marks the beginning of his big comeback. (First appeared: Panel 66.)

Yogurt. MOICHANDISING!!! (First appeared: Panel 71.)

ut what's this? Seems there's a new gang moving in on Pogo's turf. They're not gonna take kindly to that, no sir. It'll probably turn into a huge gang warfare, with little green dudes going at each other with bicycle chains down on the water front and cowboys saying "BARF" after getting punched. It'll be just like Rivercity Ransom! What am I talking about? Why, Pogo Stick 2: Electric Boogaloo," of course. It's the cool new thing that all the kids are doing. C'mon, it's easy. Prove you're my friend and do some Pogo Stick 2: The Beast Within." But to help get you started, here's a lowdown of the cast so far:

Cassie Bogwallop is a loveable cockney gal who dreams of being the best, offensive linesman? goalie?..whatever that the Wankingshire Puddlesluts have ever seen. She can be easily recognized by her permanent shiner, huge scary teeth, and general grubbiness. The coach wanted her to sit out the Puddleslut's match against THE AMERICANS, but she wasn't standing for any of that, thank you very much. After several unsucessful appeals to various Bri'ish monarchical figureheads, she took matters into her own hands. Currently living in America, under the watchful supervision of Indignant COnservative Bob.

The Wankingshire Puddlesluts are the best damn girls' rugby team in all of England. After trouncing the Bloatchester Chazzwazzers, they went into the International Round and defeated an American team of unknown name (sort of). The team roster includes Theresa McGiblets, Malificent Throttlecock, Ringa Ricketts, and Mary Katharine O'Canker. The team is coached by Sgt. Major Trevor Corpuscle (retired).

The Ruddy Yanks are America's champion girl's rugby team. Bet you didn't even know that us Americans played rubgy. Probably because we don't. Currently assumed to be dead.

Indignant Conservative Bob is THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO OF ALL TIME. A real man's man, I'd venture. He's the sort of guy you could probably describe as a "bloke." Doesn't take no guff, I'll bet. A champion of your right to bear pointy objects and a high ranking official in NSTA.

The National Sharp Things Association is an organization dedicated to defending your right to wield pointy objects. Members include Indignant Conservative Bob, Cassie Bogwallop, and various people missing major body parts.

The Long-awaited X-9000 Stabereimer is the newest model in the stabereimer line of stabbing knives. The X-9000 Stabereimer recently found that the attention of a loving public still leaves it feeling empty.

The Magical Fairy Person is a magical fairy person. She grants wishes to forlorn stabbing implements.

Kalshikovic, Grenadine, and Atomic Bob are childhood friends of the Stabereimer, currently dead.

The Story Teller is the loveable, bathrobe-wearing fellow who is telling the story of the friendly weapons.

Back to The Fantastical Bestiary

Tunnel Visions    Fantastical Bestiary    TFB: Foreign Devils