Blood and Wormwood|
ere it is, folks, the ever growing
cast of "Pogo Stick: A Telephone Improv." Actually, I swiped these cast
descriptions verbatim from Adam Prosser, the ringmaster of Pogo and the author
of the always hilarious Night
Shift, without his permission. but I'm going to claim a Fair Use defense as
stipulated in the Uniform Commercial Code of...stuff. So there. Oh, and just in case you're wondering who's responsible for this mess, let me nonchalantly point you
"Ffloyd", or "Flloyd", depending on who you ask) is an innocent doofus who just
wanted a chance to try out his new Pogo Stick. But events conspired against him.
Now he's at the center of a power struggle whose depths can hardly be fathomed.
And it involves Pogo Sticks for some reason. Floyd owns "Floyd's Olde Timee Pogo
Ranch", which the villains are intent on seizing...(First appeared: Panel
Backlash bears no resemblance to any other fictional character, living or
dead. Move it along. (First appeared : Panel 3.)
The Bimbo doesn't have a name yet. For
that matter, we don't really know whose side she's on, or what she wants, or
where she came from. But the story needed a bimbo, dammit. (First appeared:
Phineas Floyd McFarnsworth first
claimed to be Floyd's great-grandpappy. Apparently he's not, however, which
means he's probably under an assumed name. He's a mysterious midget with the
ability to teleport and levitate. And he can adopt whatever accent is suited to
the situation. (First appeared: Panel 7.)
Duke Lazlo Pogofinger is the shadowy
grandmaster behind the scenes of an international Pogo Trafficking Ring. He has
an unsatiable appetite for Pogo-related properties; little else is known about
him. (First appeared: Panel 19 or 20, take your pick.)
Dick Van Patton is...actually I don't
know. I think he was on some 70s TV show. Go ask Caleb, it was his idea. Anyway,
he's also the Ultimate Weapon for destruction. (First appeared: Panel
is Floyd's faithful retainer and Pogo Corralmaster. And now he's in
love...awwwww. (First appeared: Panel 23.)
The Pogo Avenger. I just have no
idea. (First appeared: Panel 24.)
The Little Green Guys. They're little,
and...green...actually, that one's pretty much self-explanatory.
(First appeared: Panel 24.)
The Man With A Pogo Stick Up His Nose and
Buttocks. Just for something completely different. (First
appeared: Panel 33.)
The Mini-Pattons are comprised of the debris of
the large Van Patton. I mean, duh. (First appeared: Panel
Mama Cass. It's getting really hard to come up
with explanations for this &*$%. (First appeared: Panel
Patrick Swayze is the star of such films as
Dirty Dancing and Road House. His appearance in Pogo
Stick marks the beginning of his big comeback. (First appeared:
Yogurt. MOICHANDISING!!! (First appeared: Panel
ut what's this? Seems there's a new gang moving in on Pogo's turf. They're not gonna take kindly to that, no sir. It'll probably turn into a huge gang warfare, with little green dudes going at each other with bicycle chains down on the water front and cowboys saying "BARF" after getting punched. It'll be just like Rivercity Ransom! What am I talking about?
Why, Pogo Stick 2: Electric Boogaloo," of course. It's the cool new thing that all the kids are doing. C'mon, it's easy. Prove you're my friend and do some Pogo Stick 2: The Beast Within." But to help get you started, here's a lowdown of the cast so far:
Cassie Bogwallop is a loveable cockney gal who dreams of being the best rugby...er, offensive linesman? goalie?..whatever that the Wankingshire Puddlesluts have ever seen. She can be easily recognized by her permanent shiner, huge scary teeth, and general grubbiness. The coach wanted her to sit out the Puddleslut's match against THE AMERICANS, but she wasn't standing for any of that, thank you very much. After several unsucessful appeals to various Bri'ish monarchical figureheads, she took matters into her own hands. Currently living in America, under the watchful supervision of Indignant COnservative Bob.
The Wankingshire Puddlesluts are the best damn girls' rugby team in all of England. After trouncing the Bloatchester Chazzwazzers, they went into the International Round and defeated an American team of unknown name (sort of). The team roster includes Theresa McGiblets, Malificent Throttlecock, Ringa Ricketts, and Mary Katharine O'Canker. The team is coached by Sgt. Major Trevor Corpuscle (retired).
The Ruddy Yanks are America's champion girl's rugby team. Bet you didn't even know that us Americans played rubgy. Probably because we don't. Currently assumed to be dead.
Indignant Conservative Bob is THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO OF ALL TIME. A real man's man, I'd venture. He's the sort of guy you could probably describe as a "bloke." Doesn't take no guff, I'll bet. A champion of your right to bear pointy objects and a high ranking official in NSTA.
The National Sharp Things Association is an organization dedicated to defending your right to wield pointy objects. Members include Indignant Conservative Bob, Cassie Bogwallop, and various people missing major body parts.
The Long-awaited X-9000 Stabereimer is the newest model in the stabereimer line of stabbing knives. The X-9000 Stabereimer recently found that the attention of a loving public still leaves it feeling empty.
The Magical Fairy Person is a magical fairy person. She grants wishes to forlorn stabbing implements.
Kalshikovic, Grenadine, and Atomic Bob are childhood friends of the Stabereimer, currently dead.
The Story Teller is the loveable, bathrobe-wearing fellow who is telling the story of the friendly weapons.
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