Woodcut circa 1450
piphyte is a raucous and joyous orgy of discipline and self-denial. Adherents to the Michælmasiusian Sect rise at dawn to commence a rigorous five hour bout of prayer and self-flagellation, followed by a quick acid bath. After ritual cleansing, the faithful parade through the city, sipping a bitter cider-hued drink from silver chalices to commemorate the great sacrifices made by the day's namesake. Abortive attempts to expand the festivities to other areas resulted in mass diphtheria epidemics in the 15th Century.
Originally born Thamus Kemel of Alexandria in 862 AD, the famed saint took the name "Michælmasius" upon conversion. The young man led a leisurely life as an amoral gigolo among Egypt's bloated and corrupt aristocracy, a period which the saint describes in his personal diary: "I lead a leisurely life as an amoral gigolo among Egypt's bloated and corrupt aristocracy."
Thanks to his meticulous writing, an astonishingly accurate picture of Michælmasius's life emerges, although most of his pre-ascetic thoughts followed along the lines of, "Tiffany At´mo'kit'mo´hotep sat in front of me in scribe class today; I think she likes me."
In 878 AD, Michælmasius had a rare and marvelous revelation, also recorded in his personal diary. St.Michælmasius' writings were until recently thought destroyed the rampaging barbarians in the 10th century until a translation of "Die Blödensprache des heiligen Michælmasius (The Ramblings of St. Michælmasius)" turned up in Our Lady of the Lampshade Cathedral in Gruedelberg, Saxony. The much-debated entry reads, in its entirety, "My head hurts."
Following this revelation, St. Michælmasius forsook all earthly pleasures and retired to the desert where a diet of moldy ergot-laced bread induced strange and terrifying visions, including a floating city made entirely from opossum hair, an enormous painted jezebel with octopus tentacle hair, and a potato that walked like a man.
To escape these demonic torments, St. Michælmasius spent the next thirty years atop a three-by-three feet stone pillar, surviving on his own urine and frantically recording his visions in a series of woodcuts entitled "The Cömþlete anð Accurate Accöunt of Fabulöus Crætures Never Ðræmt of By Mörtal Man and Cömmunicated önly Through Ðivine Revelations, or The Vöið of Fæturelessness." Only a fraction of these writings, translated as "The Fantastical Bestiary," survive to this day, as most were destroyed during the Great Burning Wicked and Sinful Woodcuts in 1367. Those woodcuts seen on this site are on loan from the Vatican archives.
Finally convinced that had purged the fearful visions from his life, the saint returned to the city where he ate a barley funnel cake and took a long hot bath. Afterwards, contradictory reports claim that he was either stoned to death while testifying to drunken heathens or slipped on the soap in the bathtub.
Prayer requests can be directed to St.Michælmasius at Great.Brain@Mailcity.com. For matters of immediate import, the saint can also be AIMed at greatbrain01.